At the urging of the Anonymous Sex Society Enjoying Seclusion (ASSES), Mayor Daley will order bulldozers to begin the demolition of the Magic Hedge at Montrose Point. It has long been known that the migrating birds have been harassing ASSES in the Hedges for years. While the bulldozers are in the vicinity, the Mayor will order the demolition of the Marovitz/Waveland Golf Course for security reasons since a severe slice on the 7th or 8th holes can hit cars
on LSD.
The Pritzker family will have nothing in the city named after them in 2006 for a change.
Modeling their organization after the hugely successful Hispanic Democratic Organization, a new group of the city's white collar workers will form in Sauganash, Forest Glen and Edgebrook using the same acronym, HDO, for Honkie Democratic Organization.
The Roscoe Village Chamber of Commerce (RVCC) Board will file a petition with Illinois Secretary of State Jesse White to permit the Roscoe Village area to secede from the City of Chicago and the State of Illinois. Once accepted, the RVCC will then institute its fifth set of bylaws in four years permitting Chamber Members and their Board unlimited authority to do anything they want, whether legal or otherwise. After that the RVCC will file a petition with Congress demanding Separate Nation Status. This would enable RVCC Board to receive diplomatic status and receive immunity from prosecution or from paying for parking tickets. Those arguing against secession have discovered a musty book detailing the travails of the Confederate States of America when they attempted the same ploy in 1861. The RVCC Board will then ask to receive foreign aid from the U.S. government.
The Lincoln Park Chamber of Commerce (LPCC) will initiate action to create a new Special Service Area (SSA) in an area bounded by the Gulf of Mexico on the south, Canada on the North, the Atlantic Ocean on the East and Mississippi River on the west.
Following the indictment of the last of his Cabinet heads, Mayor Richard M. Daley will hold a press conference at City Hall where he'll announce his decision to relocate City Hall to the Metropolitan Correctional Facility so he can be closer to his Cabinet, top political staffers and childhood friends.
Shamed ex-governor George Ryan will be pardoned by Gov. Blago and released from custody. He will then have all his cronies' convictions overturned after he agrees to support new legislation proposed by Gov. Blago that will make it legal for governors to execute their fathers-in-law.
Geologists from the University of Chicago will express concern that the Streeterville neighborhood of Chicago is sinking into Lake Michigan at the rate of one inch per month. Experts will claim that overbuilding has put too much weight on the sand base of the area that is simply giving way under the excessive weight of the new residential and commercial structures. Ald. Burton Natarus (42nd), in whose ward the Streeterville neighborhood is located, will offer a practical solution. He will draft a plan that would convert several of the arterial streets in the community into canals, saying, "Those canals will make Chicago into the Venice of North America." Mayor Daley will also get on the canal bandwagon and select a number of 11th Ward cronies to operate a new gondola concession. Another group from the 1st Ward will run a proposed open-air ice hockey arena on Ontario St. between McClurg Court and Michigan Ave. Greenpeace will protest when the city trucks in actual lake water from the other Great Lakes to fill in Erie, Ontario, Huron and Superior streets. The Streeterville Organization of Apartment Residents (SOAR) will also attack the problem by planting water lilies along Illinois St. and Grand Ave. One of the ancillary effects of the downward drifting of Streeterville will be the corresponding rise in height of the Old Town and Lincoln Park neighborhoods. Locals will then change the name of their neighborhoods to Streeterville Heights.
Based on recent U.S. Supreme Court decisions permitting the condemnation of private property, Mayor Daley will push to condemn a stretch of relatively undeveloped land bounded by Clark and Addison streets, Waveland and Sheffield avenues, where existing structures on the site will be demolished. The area will be replace by the city's first roller blade dog park. The Tribune Co., the current owner of the land, will be compensated for the estimated four acres of land at the going price of $10,000 per acre, which city officials will claim is a fair value for vacant dog kennels.
Northwestern Memorial Hospital will find space for a noted North Side children's hospital to relocate on their Streeterville campus.
The Landmark Saving Department (LSD) of the City will propose a new law to preserve what it thinks are significant buildings. New legislation will be introduced that will designate all buildings built before 1995 as landmarks. Changes in any building would have to be approved by LSD. The three-member LSD staff would then carefully examine the property, hold appropriate hearings in the Kremlin, determine each building's Feng Shui and take the matter under consideration through deep meditation and aromatherapy. Results of the hearings would be delivered within 10 business years.
Citing the mobile strip clubs operating in the parking lot of the Tampa Bay Bucs and the Chicago Bears game, Mayor Daley will announce a new joint partnership with the Clinton Presidential Library and Gentlemen's Club in Arkansas. Plans call for a new business concept that will combine specialty coffees with adult entertainment and an alibi. The new trailer park at O'Hare Airport will be called Bubba's Bump, Grind & Deny, Deny, Deny. Daley will cite the Clintons' close ties to Lincoln Parker Jim Levin, a former Elston Avenue strip club owner, as a contributing factor in deciding to partner with the perky past president.
Pre-paid City booting and towing fees will be added to the sale of all new cars in Chicago and I-PASS technology will now provide instant payment for all meter violations the moment your time is up.
The Chicago Cubs will pass up Milwaukee and finish in third place. Kerry Woods will again grace the disabled list. The Sox will battle with Cleveland all season and finish in second but still make the playoffs. Jim Thome and Paul Konerko will total 90 HR's and 200 RBI's between them. The Bears will lose in the NFC Championship game while the Bulls and Blackhawks will watch the playoffs on TV. The Fightin' Illini will tie for the Big Ten basketball title and join DePaul in the NCAA playoffs. Chief Illiniwec will re-enact the battle of Little Big Horn at NCAA HQ when he's banned from performing at Illini games. |
