BUSINESS:
One of the four Home Depots located in the vicinity of Lincoln Park will close claiming Menard’s and a new Lowe’s store are taking their market share away. Plans are then announced to open a new Home Depot adjacent to a North Side cemetery.
The new Soldier Field opens on time, under budget, and wins rave review from local architecture critics. Fans report seeing pigs fly at the Bears’ home opener.
Dominick’s stores in Chicagoland will be sold to a nationwide, non-union food discounter. Stores in pricey neighborhoods will be closed when the new owners claim real estate costs are too high, although new 30,000 sq. ft. Super Dollar Stores will find profits where Dominick’s couldn’t.
Golden Oldies station WXRT will discard all but eight CDs. Loyal listeners won’t notice any change in the programming.
POLITICS:
Proposed Landmark Designation will sweep through the city like an invading hoard of City Hall bureaucrats. Neighbors start to balk when the city calls for Landmarking everything except government-owned properties.
Carol Mosley Braun calls a press conference to announce her intention to try to re-take her old Senate seat and nobody shows up.
Tom Tunney wins the 44th Ward aldermanic race after promising “two cinnamon buns in every pot.”
Mayor Richard Daley wins fifth term with 110 percent of the votes cast... Iraq’s Saddam Hussein calls to congratulate Daley and says he is envious of Daley’s margin of victory.
Ald. Ted Matlak (32nd) will fall to opposition candidate who sports a better tan and manicured nails.
Frank Gehry is tapped to design the new City/State Executive Mansion slated for Block 37. Mrs. Daley and Mrs. Blagojevich are thrashing out the details for the 10 story duplex that will house both the Governor and the Mayor’s families for years to come. It is rumored that the main point of contention is who will be on top of the other.
Fences will multiply at a geometric rate. Tall black iron fences will surround every commercial and city structure as well as every house or condo occupied by young urban professionals. Short black iron fences will surround every parkway and even the fountain at Giddings Plaza. Not to be forgotten, even the trashcans will have miniature fence-like rims. Bike lanes in Lincoln Park are also slated to be fenced by the end of 2003.
To reinforce the German flavor of Lincoln Square, pretzels will dangle from the new arches and the speakers will broadcast recordings of “Sing Mit Heino.”
In grooming a new protégé, Ed Kelly will insist that Jack Leyden get a proper start in politics by working first as a janitor at Welles Park.
SPORTS:
Michael Jordan retires from professional sports for the fifth time and announces his intentions to run for Alderman in the 42nd ward, where he keeps a bachelor pad.
The Cubs explode under Dusty Baker and will win the World Series. The White Sox rally to win in a weak American League Central as Frank Thomas finds his old swing in MVP-like season. Both teams set new attendance records but only one team will be proud of it.
The Bulls battle hard down to the stretch but miss out for the first draft choice in next year’s draft, finishing with the fifth-worst record in the NBA and the seventh pick in the lottery.
Jim McMahon’s new restaurant closes when the Bears call him back as the projected starting QB for the 2003 season.
The Bears storm to 7-8-1 season in their new Soldier Field digs as Coach Dick Jauron is caught off-camera kissing his sister after a tie in their final home game vs. the Green Bay Packers.
PEOPLE:
Jerry Springer finds Jesus Christ working as a carpenter on a Near North Side condo project, notes that he is driving a 1986 Ford Truck with no city sticker and a tool Lockbox in the back. Springer invites him on his show where J.C. proceeds to get into a fist fight over Mary Magdalene with Donnie Osmond, who is playing Joseph and His Coat of Many Colors.
Bob Greene re-enters the Chicago media scene as editor/publisher of the new Lincoln Park High School Ol’ Geezer Goget’er Gazette.
AROUND TOWN:
The new lower Wacker Dr. proves a huge success and prompts city to push for a third “bicycle” level over upper Wacker Dr.
Cubs seal a deal with the city and neighbors for Wrigley Field expansion plans when riot damage to the old ballpark after Cubs World Series win delays construction by months.
The Lake View Citizens Council gets the go ahead to designate the area bounded east and west by Western Ave. and New York City, and north and south by Irving Park Rd. and the Gulf of Mexico, an historic district. The landmarking of Wrigley field was exempted, though, because its status is a separate case. This has allowed the Cubs to go ahead with modifications that add seats that effectively block the rooftop owners’ views. Wrigley offers rooftop owners a reduced price for their buildings, hoping to add more seats and an off track betting parlor, but these plans are foiled by landmark status.
Finkl Steel on Clybourn Ave. becomes the hot new party center on the North Side by hosting several new outdoor events to rave reviews and finding fun new uses for the “blast” furnace. But iron workers file grievances with their union as their shop floor is littered with party paraphernalia each Monday morning.
The Chicago Public Library, bereft of books, is re-named the Chicago Public Internet & Video Center. Meanwhile, Blockbuster recognizes an opportunity and begins to stock rental copies of books by Studs Terkel and Mike Royko.
In the city’s constant search for hidden revenue streams, city hall will be available for rental, daily, from noon to six a.m. All public business during those hours of rental will be shifted to the Internet.
Construction of the senior citizens’ affordable housing project at Irving and Western avenues—on land donated by Advocate—is stalled because of demands that restaurants in a six block area sign a noncompete contract making it illegal for seniors to purchase meals off campus in the prohibited zone.
The Western Ave. bridge over Belmont Ave. will become a safety hazard due to lack of maintenance. The city, which has wanted to tear down the bridge for years, decides to delay demolition because of added revenue collected from towing damaged cars and trucks.
The outdoor music pavilion at Columbus Dr. and Randolph St. in Millennium Park will open in spring but concerts will be canceled or postponed due to lightning attracted to the titanium structure. |
